Take a look at these photo images of scotch dj Marc Smith which are superimposed onto a sidecut view of some earth, which could be a garden, something like that..
We think that he should really be taller, do you lot agree?
We are actually running a competition this time so readers of our books actually get to choose what each chapter is about, and the chapter titles, stuff like that. Because we dont want to do any work. There is a web form at the bottom of the page for your idea submissions. But first, a sneak preview, from the very start of the book - the first page. Here we go!
greg davies is the ringleader
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SUBMISSIONS SO FAR...
1. marc's accent alternates between irish and west country
2. wallace and gromit ending with wallace wearing spacesuit metal trousers and bits of marc are sold in shops after
3. greg asks marc if he is black - marc says he is a bottle of tippex, and not to tip him over, be careful now irish accent
4. marc smith looks at his white face in the mirror - "at least im dark black" this submission is not so good
5. rowan the boss of the gang who is never seen with them meets with greg for coffee. rowan tells greg that greg is a virgin and winks at him. greg looks depressed and says he needs to give marc smith a call and to cut off his penis.
6+7. i am wearing heavy jeans
8. Rowan is in love with Ava.
9. CHAPTER TITLE SUBMISSION - "MARC SMITH NEEDS TO BE PUNCHED"
10. CHAPTER TITLE SUBMISSION - "THE LONGTED LAWSUIT"
11. CHAPTER TITLE SUBMISSION - "I DO EAT CATS BUT IM NOT AS BAD AS MARC SMITH - A DJ SY QUOTE"
12. CHAPTER TITLE SUBMISSION - "THE PROSPECT SURRENDER" - submissions should not be as vague as this
13. Rowan is in love with Brianna from Brianna Love.
14. i am not an ant not an ant NOT AN ANT YOU ARE AN ANT
15. bleach packaging standard becomes "kills 99.9% of marc smiths"
16. there is a mountain called blech mountain. marc smith climbs it to prove he can survive it
17. after this in interview - "when i got to the top of the mountain, i thought maybe i would get stabbed by bear grylls - but i stabbed myself. i dont quite understand it. at least i survived"
18. bear grylls comment - "yes that is very interesting. not that useful at the top of a mountain."
19. marc smith eats a mushy pea to prove he can survive it but gets stomach pumped
20. marc smith attends interview alongside ridley scott but gets lost on the ceiling. falls down and lands in ridley scotts beard. falls out of that on the set of new alien franchise film. missing for months
21, this one is really bad it starts with tv programme This Morning with Richard and Judy. judy has been sellotaped around the mouuth. hi welcome to this morning. this morning we have as our guests, rowan medhurst, al storm, texas presley medhurst, brianna love medhurst, mya nichole medhurst, and um, oh ava rose medhurst. would you like to write down judy what you were going to say... ? hmm she wrote... i want to lick richard - and - rowans women are ugly. back after the break. after the break judy has been shot in the head, and is dead. dj hammer has turned up looking furious, saying he doesnt look that bad. al storm says that he is offended and rowan agrees that al storm IS extremely good looking, but he has a kid. yeah al storm is probably 9 out of 10 compared to rowans mere 8 of 10 for handsomeness, but he has a kid. so how did you meet these women richard asks. oh god dj hammer shouts. i am a famous computer programmer and i am from the west country rowan says. and i met al storm in motion. so as 2 extra guests, we have scott brown and joey riot. its joe riot thanks now joey riot said. rowan said. rowan asks them, do you know what records are? we will answer this at the hardcore heaven awards tomorrow night scott brown says, joey riot shouts fuck off. rowan arrives at the awards with bear grylls and they head to the stage. the music stops. rowan asks again do you know what records are. the 2 djs both swear on their mums lives that they do. then scott brown says.. computer cakes. joey riot agrees, probably computer cakes or stuff in space that eats stuff. rowan says no, and says that they do not have mums, so they have to die. rowan kills scott brown and bear grylls kills joey riot. they shout we did not do this. al storm shouts this is bollocks and rowan and bear are heroes. he restarts the music. this is only part one.
22. ROWAN AND BEAR GO MAD. checkmate texas and other whores. rowan lost his mind AND WENT MAD. here is the sTory. rowan and bear were hanging out in glasgow on a bench talking. then they had an argument(*) and walked to marc smiths house and slept in a bush outside. they waited in marc smiths driveway the next day. it starts like this. "rowan, are you aggressing me? you are psychically attacking me" "no i wont" marc smith walks out, sees the murdERERS AND wALKS back inside but they follow him and sit on the couch. "what do you want?" marc says "leave us alone" they say and live in his house for 3 years TEXAS WHAT DO YOU THINK ARE WE GOING OUT (****) what was the argument about in glasgow? they both said marc smith was shit but got angry.
23. marc smith wakes up one morning to find out he is the survivor of a nuclear holocaust. the land is burnt and scarred for miles around, and there is nothing but pink radioactive dust. turns out, no, but that his house was canned in a jar of chopped tomatoes by mistake. what a fucking wanker
24. the story of how marc gets back to glasgow by passing through a humans intestine and then a rats intestine. never wears swimming goggles again
25. PAGEUP, PAGEDOWN - THE HISTORY OF TIME ITSELF
26. I AM INSIDE MYSELF
27. I AM BESIDE MYSELF
28. WHAT ARE YE LOOKING AT?
29. chapter title - MORE CHIPS PLEASE WAIT SLOW DOWN NO after 3 millions years marc had eaten no chips at all what a great guy
30. SHE-RA COMES TO EARTH I MEAN HELPS ROWAN OUT "we need to get off beast island quick before it explodes" she said "i call it chip island"
"so, marc smith is immortal? or mortal? which one" she-ra asked she-ra laughed " he saw us have sex"
32. carpenter smith
marc smith is planing some wood.. "damn that wood is flat!"
CHAPTER 33. THE FLATS
"those are nice flats" ... "i wish i could live in one of them" - he then walks off
CHAPTER 34. YOUVE BEEN FRAMED
marc smith has a scaffold system mounted on his shoulders to hold his hands above his hats - because of this he is no longer allowed to visit his mother as she thinks he is a frankenstein monster with green skin and aids - why does he have green skin? you will have to read the book to find out (its actually to make him taller)
CHAPTER 35. COURT
marc smith is taken to court for being a dwarf and is forced to stand on a dwarf stand in his kitchen for the rest of his life - to help him with the cupboards and stuff. what a bastard
CHAPTER 36. CAUGHT
marc smith is caught my nick hewer who ties him up with dwarf tying rope and leaves him in a dwarf cage on a beach. the seagulls would eat him but they cant fit through the cage. however, they bite his skin off. ends up caught by the cops.
CHAPTER 37. OH GOD ITS ALICE
alice GOODWIN goes out WITH MARC SMITH FOR A JOKE and SHE KISSES HIM ON THE LIPS. note-is this legal?
CHAPTER 38. MARC SMITH LIVES IN A DEAD MANS HAND
MARC SMITH LIVES IN A DEAD MANS HAND FOR 3 WEEKS AS THE MAN IS BLACK AND HE HAD HIS HANDS CLASPED SHUT ON PURPOSE EVEN THOUGH HE DIDNT. THE EVIL BLACK CUNT WAS SACKED FROM HIS JOB IN A SCHOOL, HIS JOB DRIVING TRAINS AND HIS JOB AS A TYPIST AND HIS JOBS LAYING BRICKS - AND THANKFULLY HE WAS ALLOWED TO KEEP HIS HAnds.
CHAPTER 39. WHAT A GOOD THING WE HAVE
ALICE GOODWIN HAS KISSED BOTH MARC SMITH AND ronaldo ON THE LIPS. (but she does 50p meh men w/e)
CHAPTER 40. FRANCE
Marc Smith takes a holiday in Paris! One day he climbs the eiffel tower! He is thrown off the top of the eiffel tower by BIG BEN. big ben just saw marc at the top and treated the thing as an urgent matter - but he didnt grow legs. WHY DOESNT MARC GROW LEGS INSTEAD!!? have you tried asking him? really? seriously? no, i wouldnt do that. you would have to meet him or find him or at least be able to see him. confused as i complete this chapter.
CHAPTER 41. MARC SMITH FUCKS HIS OWN BRAIN OUT
he thinks short men are pretty and his brain is actually inside his penis, which he takes a big run up along to kick his brain out of his penis. i think thats kinda cool. go marc
CHAPTER 41. CANDLELIT, BIT, SHIT
marc finds himself standing on the massive rim of a tealight holder, inside which a small candle is burning. what the fuck has happened now!? it is too hot here, he isnt burning, but it is uncomfortable, it is too hot. he looks to the side, and realises he cannot go to the side, because he would still just be on the rim. he cannot go forward. he cannot go up. he cannot go backward, as he would die. it slowly dawns on marc, that he is gonna have to put up with this shit, maybe forever, man! maybe forever! hot hot hot owww!! oww!! marc screams.
"have a nice day at school then marc!" his parents say, as they run off to the kitchen, for a drink.. laughing. what a bastard. i really hate dj marc smith.
CHAPTER 42. THE NIGGERS
this is the last chapter. so it is revealed in chapter 42 that marc smith has very greasy skin, in particular he has extremely greaSy forehead skin - he wont buy tea tree oil as he is scottish. plus, he likes the grease - check this out. one day marc joey AND scott brown were enjoying the grease and using it up (cant really be done) by rubbing his forehead and smelling the grease and rubbing it onto their selves - in particular - onto their own skin.
now i dont want the book to seem racist but in it basically black people cannot read, or speak, or even stand up - because they are stupid and because they are shit. this is not racist far from it in fact -- in fact, the book is just portraying a side of modern life we dont like to confront BECAUSE IT IS REAL NIGGERS CANT STAND OR SEE OR SPEAK IN REAL LIFE SO THERE. SO THE 3 DJS were enjoying their skin and their own grease, and marcs grease. what is the last thing marc smith says in the book? the last line?
'we got caught by the niggers'
CHAPTER 43. THIS IS EXACTLY IT
the cruellest murder to have ever happened in history. greg davies sqeaky style accent - "OH NO, I LOST A PACK OF RIZLAS." it went down the sink